party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
