I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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