First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
