I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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