how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
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