The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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