I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
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