i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
someone owes me an orgasm
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
