Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
