You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
