So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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