I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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