Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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