my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
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