I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
