I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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