Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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