after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
