Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
