So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
