I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
