Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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