Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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