You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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