Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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