His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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