I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
