I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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