Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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