i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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