I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just want nice things and good sex
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
