Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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