i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
