I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
