whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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