How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
