i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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