I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
