I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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