I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I looked at my own cervix.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
