Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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