You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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