when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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