I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
