I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
