I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
