i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
