Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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