Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
