you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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