How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
