the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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