I accidentally had phone sex last night
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
