kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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