When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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