i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
