i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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