i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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