just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
