Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
