It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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