my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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