I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
