I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
