can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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