i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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