Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
