Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
