I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize