a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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