Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
