I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize