Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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