Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize